DECISIONS

We all make decisions every day of our lives. Little ones, big ones, significant and insignificant. What to wear, what to have for breakfast, which route to use to drive to work. And mostly we don't give it much thought. But what of the really big, life altering decisions we have to make?



We are facing just such a decision, and I am grappling with something that will change my life forever, no matter which way I decide. Because both my husband and myself lost our jobs well before we had intended to retire, we were forced into early retirement. We had to seriously revise our plan as to what we would do and how we would spend the rest of our lives. Instead of staying put in California where we love it, and living off the equity in our home in addition to our retirement savings and social security, we found we must sell the house and relocate elsewhere. We lost half the equity in our home to the recession, and lost part of our social security because of having to take it early. I lost 24% of my pension by having to take it early. There are no jobs out there for 60-somethings, no matter how good we are at what we do. Simply put, we can't afford to stay where we are, doing what we're used to doing.



We have two choices. We can relocate to a less expensive part of California, where we can buy a small tract house and pay cash, so we have no mortgage payments, or we can move to another state where we can buy a grand house for the same money, and where many other things are less expensive than in California, so our retirement funds will go much further.



I guess in a way we are very fortunate, because we have a son near Dallas, Texas who has assumed the role of caregiver and who will care for us and watch over us in our old age. He has taken on this role willingly, and of three children, he would be the only one willing or able to do it. It would suit his interests to have us closer to him, so he is encouraging us to move near him. We are there now, on a factfinding mission, to see if moving to Texas would be something we could handle.



And therein is the crux of my present problem. The decision is basically up to me, whether I would be happy here or not. So far the area is pleasant, the people friendly, all the shopping I need is close by, and the houses are fabulous. We could have our "dream" home in Texas, finally. But the weather can be unbearable in the Summer, and I would be looking at spending a lot of my time indoors, and this would be true for a large portion of the year.



But what is the real difficulty for me in making a decision to move here? It's really leaving everything I have known and loved for 50 years. My friends, my adult grandson who will be on his own for the first time in his life, all my service providers that I trust and love. The ability to get where I'm going without maps or navigation systems because I know the city so well. My Red Hat group that I enjoy so much, my best friend who has been my support and comfort for 45 years. So much history, so much love. Knowing my neighbors, and running into people I know everywhere I go. Not to mention weather that suits me perfectly. These things are things you don't even think about, you take for granted, until you are about to lose them. Can what I'll gain make up for what I'll lose? This is what I have to figure out.



I know many people who pull up stakes and move to be nearer to their kids, but I never before appreciated the gut wrenching decision it takes to do that. My head says go, and my heart says try to stay at all costs. But do I want to let fear of the unknown stop me from what might turn out to be the greatest adventure, the best move of my life? I can make friends again, I can learn to navigate around, I can find new service providers. And my son is a delightful person who caters to me and enjoys being with family. The rest of them might come for a visit at Christmas.......maybe.


I'm leaning toward making the move, knowing in my heart that it's probably the best decision. But I am scared to death. Fear of the unknown can be overwhelming. And the thought of all the packing and moving, the logistics of such a move are equally overwhelming. Am I up to the challenge?



I don't have any of the answers right now, and I expect I'll spend a lot of sleepless nights before I get even a few of them. And I'll remain scared even after the deed is done. My one advantage is the internet, and without that, I don't think I'd even be considering the move. At least I can keep up to date with everyone I know and love.



So, any thoughts out there? Anyone do what I'm contemplating and it ended well....or horrible? Any advice?



Decisions! Who knew they could be this difficult and earth shattering?

STILL TRYING TO MAKE LEMONADE

Here I am, three and a half weeks into my bout with sciatica, and no better. I managed to make it to my Quilting convention that I wanted so badly to attend in spite of my "handicap", but upon getting back home, things seemed to have gone from bad to worse. Where I could at least sit for a reasonable time before, now I can't sit, stand or walk. The only time the pain is manageable is when I'm lying on my left side. When I wake up in the morning, I feel good...nothing hurts. So I stay in bed as long as I can before I start to feel guilty (or have to pee), and the minute my feet touch the floor, the pain begins. My days are spent lying on my living room couch, watching HGTV and wishing I had the money to pull off a fabulous home makeover like I'm seeing on TV, and entering their fabulous home giveaway contest every day.

My wonderful hubby is waiting on me hand and foot, and trying his best to keep up with the many chores that I can no longer do. Since I have been retired for 6 years, he was used to me pretty much doing everything because he was still working. But since he lost his job in October, he's picked up a few of the chores, but nothing like what he's being called upon to do now. This man, who has gone his whole life having never changed a diaper, is now cleaning litter boxes (plural) every day, and most days cleaning up cat poop from the floor, where our youngest cat seems compelled to go in front of the litter box instead of in it. He is feeding 4 cats twice a day, in addition to feeding me all my meals. He is running all the errands, getting groceries, and for the first time, he's made the acquaintance of our washer and dryer, doing 4 loads of wash and 5 loads of drying, as well as folding and putting away, every Thursday. He says it seems like he just finished doing it and its time to do it again. That's how I've always felt about it too.

I suppose I should be enjoying having nothing to do, but I surely am not. I'd give anything to be able to clean all the places he's missed, that I can't comment on because I'm grateful he's trying to do it. But I find it amazing how different a man's idea of domestic chores are compared to a womans'...or at least this man & woman. Cleaning our master bathroom means vacuuming, mopping the tile floor, and cleaning around the cat dishes. It apparently doesn't include cleaning the toilet or the vanity, sinks and mirrors. But at least the floor got clean. Maybe I can clean toilets from a wheelchair...I haven't tried that yet, and I do have a wheelchair, which I often have to use just to go down the hall to the bathroom, because walking is so painful.

So things are piling up in spite of his trying. As it has always been with us, if I'm unable to pull my weight, only the barest minimum gets done until I'm back to full speed. I suspect I'm getting a lot more help than most women would get in my position. As I write this, he is off to the drug store to purchase hair color that's on sale for me, and to the grocery store for the next few days food. I am conflicted because I know how lucky I am to have someone who tries as hard as he does, but I do so need to have the whole house cleaned and all the stuff that's driving me crazy done. I guess that's incentive to try to get better as fast as I can. I really don't need an incentive though, as the pain does that quite well. So I have an appointment...the soonest one I could get, for Feb 12th to see an orthopedic specialist to determine what has caused this and just how serious it might be. The most usual suspects are herniated discs. Hopefully he can do something for me to help speed along my recovery. Spring is coming in California. February is one of our prettiest months, with many flowering trees in bloom, bulb plants in flowers and mild weather. I've been outside once in two weeks, and nearly missed the hyacinths in bloom. There is so much weeding and trimming that needs to be done in my garden that it's mind boggling. Everytime I look outside I see something else that needs doing. Our 6 ft high Austrailian tree ferns have died because no one took the frost covers off them after the coldest weather was over. If I'm not on top of things, this is what happens. It's not his fault, he just doesn't see or think of these things. In other words, he's a man, and men just don't get it, even the best of them.

I need to be able to at least sit and stand. I can deal with not walking, but I need the rest of it back, sooner rather than later. There is so much I need to take care of, so much to do. Meanwhile, I'm not out of lemons, but I'm sick to death of lemonade!