We all make decisions every day of our lives. Little ones, big ones, significant and insignificant. What to wear, what to have for breakfast, which route to use to drive to work. And mostly we don't give it much thought. But what of the really big, life altering decisions we have to make?
We are facing just such a decision, and I am grappling with something that will change my life forever, no matter which way I decide. Because both my husband and myself lost our jobs well before we had intended to retire, we were forced into early retirement. We had to seriously revise our plan as to what we would do and how we would spend the rest of our lives. Instead of staying put in California where we love it, and living off the equity in our home in addition to our retirement savings and social security, we found we must sell the house and relocate elsewhere. We lost half the equity in our home to the recession, and lost part of our social security because of having to take it early. I lost 24% of my pension by having to take it early. There are no jobs out there for 60-somethings, no matter how good we are at what we do. Simply put, we can't afford to stay where we are, doing what we're used to doing.
We have two choices. We can relocate to a less expensive part of California, where we can buy a small tract house and pay cash, so we have no mortgage payments, or we can move to another state where we can buy a grand house for the same money, and where many other things are less expensive than in California, so our retirement funds will go much further.
I guess in a way we are very fortunate, because we have a son near Dallas, Texas who has assumed the role of caregiver and who will care for us and watch over us in our old age. He has taken on this role willingly, and of three children, he would be the only one willing or able to do it. It would suit his interests to have us closer to him, so he is encouraging us to move near him. We are there now, on a factfinding mission, to see if moving to Texas would be something we could handle.
And therein is the crux of my present problem. The decision is basically up to me, whether I would be happy here or not. So far the area is pleasant, the people friendly, all the shopping I need is close by, and the houses are fabulous. We could have our "dream" home in Texas, finally. But the weather can be unbearable in the Summer, and I would be looking at spending a lot of my time indoors, and this would be true for a large portion of the year.
But what is the real difficulty for me in making a decision to move here? It's really leaving everything I have known and loved for 50 years. My friends, my adult grandson who will be on his own for the first time in his life, all my service providers that I trust and love. The ability to get where I'm going without maps or navigation systems because I know the city so well. My Red Hat group that I enjoy so much, my best friend who has been my support and comfort for 45 years. So much history, so much love. Knowing my neighbors, and running into people I know everywhere I go. Not to mention weather that suits me perfectly. These things are things you don't even think about, you take for granted, until you are about to lose them. Can what I'll gain make up for what I'll lose? This is what I have to figure out.
I know many people who pull up stakes and move to be nearer to their kids, but I never before appreciated the gut wrenching decision it takes to do that. My head says go, and my heart says try to stay at all costs. But do I want to let fear of the unknown stop me from what might turn out to be the greatest adventure, the best move of my life? I can make friends again, I can learn to navigate around, I can find new service providers. And my son is a delightful person who caters to me and enjoys being with family. The rest of them might come for a visit at Christmas.......maybe.
I'm leaning toward making the move, knowing in my heart that it's probably the best decision. But I am scared to death. Fear of the unknown can be overwhelming. And the thought of all the packing and moving, the logistics of such a move are equally overwhelming. Am I up to the challenge?
I don't have any of the answers right now, and I expect I'll spend a lot of sleepless nights before I get even a few of them. And I'll remain scared even after the deed is done. My one advantage is the internet, and without that, I don't think I'd even be considering the move. At least I can keep up to date with everyone I know and love.
So, any thoughts out there? Anyone do what I'm contemplating and it ended well....or horrible? Any advice?
Decisions! Who knew they could be this difficult and earth shattering?
Monday, May 24, 2010
Sunday, February 7, 2010
STILL TRYING TO MAKE LEMONADE
Here I am, three and a half weeks into my bout with sciatica, and no better. I managed to make it to my Quilting convention that I wanted so badly to attend in spite of my "handicap", but upon getting back home, things seemed to have gone from bad to worse. Where I could at least sit for a reasonable time before, now I can't sit, stand or walk. The only time the pain is manageable is when I'm lying on my left side. When I wake up in the morning, I feel good...nothing hurts. So I stay in bed as long as I can before I start to feel guilty (or have to pee), and the minute my feet touch the floor, the pain begins. My days are spent lying on my living room couch, watching HGTV and wishing I had the money to pull off a fabulous home makeover like I'm seeing on TV, and entering their fabulous home giveaway contest every day.
My wonderful hubby is waiting on me hand and foot, and trying his best to keep up with the many chores that I can no longer do. Since I have been retired for 6 years, he was used to me pretty much doing everything because he was still working. But since he lost his job in October, he's picked up a few of the chores, but nothing like what he's being called upon to do now. This man, who has gone his whole life having never changed a diaper, is now cleaning litter boxes (plural) every day, and most days cleaning up cat poop from the floor, where our youngest cat seems compelled to go in front of the litter box instead of in it. He is feeding 4 cats twice a day, in addition to feeding me all my meals. He is running all the errands, getting groceries, and for the first time, he's made the acquaintance of our washer and dryer, doing 4 loads of wash and 5 loads of drying, as well as folding and putting away, every Thursday. He says it seems like he just finished doing it and its time to do it again. That's how I've always felt about it too.
I suppose I should be enjoying having nothing to do, but I surely am not. I'd give anything to be able to clean all the places he's missed, that I can't comment on because I'm grateful he's trying to do it. But I find it amazing how different a man's idea of domestic chores are compared to a womans'...or at least this man & woman. Cleaning our master bathroom means vacuuming, mopping the tile floor, and cleaning around the cat dishes. It apparently doesn't include cleaning the toilet or the vanity, sinks and mirrors. But at least the floor got clean. Maybe I can clean toilets from a wheelchair...I haven't tried that yet, and I do have a wheelchair, which I often have to use just to go down the hall to the bathroom, because walking is so painful.
So things are piling up in spite of his trying. As it has always been with us, if I'm unable to pull my weight, only the barest minimum gets done until I'm back to full speed. I suspect I'm getting a lot more help than most women would get in my position. As I write this, he is off to the drug store to purchase hair color that's on sale for me, and to the grocery store for the next few days food. I am conflicted because I know how lucky I am to have someone who tries as hard as he does, but I do so need to have the whole house cleaned and all the stuff that's driving me crazy done. I guess that's incentive to try to get better as fast as I can. I really don't need an incentive though, as the pain does that quite well. So I have an appointment...the soonest one I could get, for Feb 12th to see an orthopedic specialist to determine what has caused this and just how serious it might be. The most usual suspects are herniated discs. Hopefully he can do something for me to help speed along my recovery. Spring is coming in California. February is one of our prettiest months, with many flowering trees in bloom, bulb plants in flowers and mild weather. I've been outside once in two weeks, and nearly missed the hyacinths in bloom. There is so much weeding and trimming that needs to be done in my garden that it's mind boggling. Everytime I look outside I see something else that needs doing. Our 6 ft high Austrailian tree ferns have died because no one took the frost covers off them after the coldest weather was over. If I'm not on top of things, this is what happens. It's not his fault, he just doesn't see or think of these things. In other words, he's a man, and men just don't get it, even the best of them.
I need to be able to at least sit and stand. I can deal with not walking, but I need the rest of it back, sooner rather than later. There is so much I need to take care of, so much to do. Meanwhile, I'm not out of lemons, but I'm sick to death of lemonade!
My wonderful hubby is waiting on me hand and foot, and trying his best to keep up with the many chores that I can no longer do. Since I have been retired for 6 years, he was used to me pretty much doing everything because he was still working. But since he lost his job in October, he's picked up a few of the chores, but nothing like what he's being called upon to do now. This man, who has gone his whole life having never changed a diaper, is now cleaning litter boxes (plural) every day, and most days cleaning up cat poop from the floor, where our youngest cat seems compelled to go in front of the litter box instead of in it. He is feeding 4 cats twice a day, in addition to feeding me all my meals. He is running all the errands, getting groceries, and for the first time, he's made the acquaintance of our washer and dryer, doing 4 loads of wash and 5 loads of drying, as well as folding and putting away, every Thursday. He says it seems like he just finished doing it and its time to do it again. That's how I've always felt about it too.
I suppose I should be enjoying having nothing to do, but I surely am not. I'd give anything to be able to clean all the places he's missed, that I can't comment on because I'm grateful he's trying to do it. But I find it amazing how different a man's idea of domestic chores are compared to a womans'...or at least this man & woman. Cleaning our master bathroom means vacuuming, mopping the tile floor, and cleaning around the cat dishes. It apparently doesn't include cleaning the toilet or the vanity, sinks and mirrors. But at least the floor got clean. Maybe I can clean toilets from a wheelchair...I haven't tried that yet, and I do have a wheelchair, which I often have to use just to go down the hall to the bathroom, because walking is so painful.
So things are piling up in spite of his trying. As it has always been with us, if I'm unable to pull my weight, only the barest minimum gets done until I'm back to full speed. I suspect I'm getting a lot more help than most women would get in my position. As I write this, he is off to the drug store to purchase hair color that's on sale for me, and to the grocery store for the next few days food. I am conflicted because I know how lucky I am to have someone who tries as hard as he does, but I do so need to have the whole house cleaned and all the stuff that's driving me crazy done. I guess that's incentive to try to get better as fast as I can. I really don't need an incentive though, as the pain does that quite well. So I have an appointment...the soonest one I could get, for Feb 12th to see an orthopedic specialist to determine what has caused this and just how serious it might be. The most usual suspects are herniated discs. Hopefully he can do something for me to help speed along my recovery. Spring is coming in California. February is one of our prettiest months, with many flowering trees in bloom, bulb plants in flowers and mild weather. I've been outside once in two weeks, and nearly missed the hyacinths in bloom. There is so much weeding and trimming that needs to be done in my garden that it's mind boggling. Everytime I look outside I see something else that needs doing. Our 6 ft high Austrailian tree ferns have died because no one took the frost covers off them after the coldest weather was over. If I'm not on top of things, this is what happens. It's not his fault, he just doesn't see or think of these things. In other words, he's a man, and men just don't get it, even the best of them.
I need to be able to at least sit and stand. I can deal with not walking, but I need the rest of it back, sooner rather than later. There is so much I need to take care of, so much to do. Meanwhile, I'm not out of lemons, but I'm sick to death of lemonade!
Thursday, July 9, 2009
A MORAL DILEMMAJuly 6th, 2009 by sjsew
In continuing to write my blog, I find myself faced with a moral dilemma of the highest proportions. When I started this blog, it was my intention to use it to speak about my feelings about many subjects. I wrote as thoughts came to me, and tried to sort things out better by putting them in writing. Some were serious, some not so much. The one thing that remained true is that they were MY thoughts; how I felt at the time I was writing the blog.
So if my thoughts, put on paper, make someone else feel bad, am I morally obligated to censor myself to make sure I don’t write anything that someone else could take offense to?
In our lives we constantly monitor our words to make sure something we say doesn’t hurt someone else. Who among us hasn’t been glad that people can’t read our minds? Who among us hasn’t had bad thoughts about someone, often even as we’re being nice to them to their faces?
I would never use my blog as a forum to denigrate someone else or make them feel bad on purpose. I don’t foster gossip and I don’t usually even name names. But if I am writing what I feel and believe in my heart regarding past events or situations, and that differs with what someone else feels and believes, do I need to change what I write so that it agrees with that person?
Don’t we all have different memories of the same situation? Police always have a hard time with witnesses because they will get such conflicting stories from each individual that it sounds like they were not even in the same place or saw the same thing.
I think when we remember past events, we remember them in the way that is most pleasing to us, perhaps even most flattering to us. We toss away memories of things we’ve done wrong, or paths we wish we hadn’t taken. And if someone else was there at the same time, and remembers those mistakes, do they have a moral obligation to change those memories to make them more flattering to you. What is the purpose of my blog? Is it to air my own feelings and thoughts, or should I just keep anything that might possibly, conceivably be hurtful to someone else to myself? Do I not have a right to express my own feelings, or do I lose that right if doing so might hurt someone? Would I end up writing about nothing but my cats, since they seldom take offense at anything I do?
I take the situation seriously. Over my lifetime I’ve tried to become more cognizant of the feelings of others. I am constantly on a quest to improve myself and to be more understanding and empathetic to others. And there are always those people who will take offense if you say the sky is blue. Are we not so uptight about being “politically correct” that we are afraid to say a prayer, mention God, raise our flag, or say “Merry Christmas” lest we offend someone? Where does it stop? When is it too much? Where do we draw the line?
I am just one person who is trying to express myself in my own way. If I have to be afraid that doing so will cause a family member, a friend, or maybe even a stranger to feel bad, what is the point? Should I confine myself to commenting about celebrities or cheese? Stay on safe subjects and keep it light? Again I ask, what is the point?
So I’m at a crossroads in my blogging. Do I continue to blog as I have in the past, which means a lot to me. Or do I just stop completely, since freedom of speech doesn’t seem to apply here. I can change the focus of my blogging and just stick to safe subjects (are there such things?), but I don’t know how interesting that would be. And it certainly wouldn’t be true to the reason I started in the first place.
I would appreciate any comments to help me here. What are my responsibilities? Am I not supposed to speak from my heart if doing so might be hurtful to someone else? Do I have a right to my own thoughts and feelings or not? Do I have a right to share them? What do you think? Help me here, I would be very grateful.
Tags: blog, family, hurt feelings, moral dilemma, writing from the heartPosted in Uncategorized No Comments »
Don’t Judge a Book……..July 1st, 2009 by sjsew
Never has that old adage been proven to me any clearer than last night, watching America’s Got Talent. After watching some incredible acts and some terrible acts, when it was close to the end of the show, a young man was announced as being next. He came on stage wearing jeans, with a baseball cap on backwards, and carrying a guitar. When asked what he did for a living, he said he was a “chicken catcher” for awhile. He was a “good ole’ boy” from the backwoods of Kentucky, and spoke with a heavy southern drawl. I don’t think anyone expected much of his act. The audience appeared poised to boo him off the stage.
And then he opened his mouth and started to sing. A hush fell over the crowd from the very first words, and the three judges all appeared to be thunder struck. He sang “If Tomorrow Never Comes”, and he sang with so much raw emotion and pain that you had to wonder if he wasn’t singing from personal experience. I’m sure there are many singers who could handle that song equally as well, but this young man sang from his heart and soul. By the end of the song, I had goose bumps on my arms, and tears in my eyes. I just listened to a small portion of it again on the “net”, and had the same reaction.
I wish that young man all the luck in the world on his career and his life, and I want to thank him for bringing home to me again, that what we look like, our appearance to others, is not necessarily who we are. I should know that by now, because as a senior citizen, I sometimes think I’m invisible to others, and I know that what I look like now is definitely not who I am. From now on, I’ll remember that when I make judgements about other people. And I sure hope we see a lot more of that young man.
Tags: America's Got Talent, judgement, singerPosted in Uncategorized No Comments »
WATCHING SCOTTY GROWJune 26th, 2009 by sjsew
Some years ago there was a song called “Watching Scotty Grow”, which was about a man who was counting his blessings in having a son he loved, and watching him grow. My children were already grown when this song came out, but even so, I related to it.
When my grandson was born, I related to it even more, and I was in a unique position to be able to watch him grow from close up. And like the song said, I don’t know what I did before he came along, because he brought with him all the magic that children have as a natural part of themselves, that had been missing from my life since my own children grew up.
My “Scotty” is now a young man of almost twenty, and still I watch him grow. I had forgotten how much there is to handle in finding your way in life. I suppose all of us face daily challenges for our entire lives, but somehow it seems like they are more dramatic in the young.
So much to learn, and so much of it involves being responsible. He has learned that if he doesn’t put forth effort in his school work in college, the same thing will happen that happened in high school. He got left behind by the friends who studied hard and went on to a four year college, while he had wasted high school and now has to attend a community college to catch up. He is so hard on himself when he realizes that his failure is his own fault. He has to learn to forgive himself, but to go on to do better and try harder.
When he was little and acted badly, we told him it was his evil twin coming out, and he blamed everything he got in trouble for on that evil twin, until a teacher in pre-school informed him he did NOT have an evil twin.
Now he knows who to blame, and he takes it hard. We have many talks to try to get him through his disappointment in himself. And he is lonely. A gaming nerd, it got him through high school without him getting into any trouble. But it also isolated him from any real social interaction. Now he wants friends and most especially, a girl friend. And so I’ve told him he has to put himself out there, he has to make overtures to people and take the first steps to find friends. He is a nice looking young man with a great personality and very well spoken and friendly. There is no reason for him not to have friends once he spends some time outside his own bedroom.
And he knows his success is in his own hands. He must buckle down in school, and he must make friends at work and at school. Oh yes, he has a steady part time job he has worked at for three years. He pays all his own school expenses, his car insurance and gas, and all other expenses with the exception of room and board. He has earned his way since he was 16. He is a responsible and hard working guy. This is a lesson he learns over and over again.
I see him grapple with all the issues of his blossoming adulthood, and I wish I could do it for him. I wish I could help him avoid the mistakes we all make. But I know making those mistakes is where growth takes place. You learn from your mistakes, hopefully, and the lessons last a lifetime. I have watched him wrestle with his demons, and when we talk, I can see him digesting everything he finds of value. And then he acts upon what he has learned. And he takes the steps he needs to take to go in the direction he wants to go. And every time he steps outside our doors and goes off into his own world, I worry and I pray no harm comes to him. I trust him implicitly, and I know he will never do anything to endanger himself or others. But I worry about traffic accidents and every other misfortune that could possibly befall him. And when he is home safe and sound in his bed, I relax and thank God for once again keeping him safe.
I know that sooner than I would like, he will be leaving us for the final time, to become his own man in his own world. And like a mama bird, I’m happy for him to be leaving the nest and for learning to fly. But unlike her, I will be so sad to see him going on into his own life and leaving mine. That time comes for everyone, and if we’ve all done our jobs right, he will go on to a happy life of his own making.
But in the meantime, I can still enjoy watching my own Scottie grow.
Tags: adulthood, growing up, growth, leaving homePosted in Uncategorized No Comments »
LOSSESJune 26th, 2009 by sjsew
At my age, you suddenly find yourself reading the obituaries on a regular basis. And every once in awhile, you find someone there you know, and it comes as a shock and a loss to you, and a reminder that your own time won’t be that far down the road.
Recently the world lost several famous figures, David Carradine, Ed McMahon, Farrah Faucet, and yesterday, Michael Jackson. Michael Jackson’s sudden death came as quite a shock to me. Unbelieveable at first. I find that his life was way too short and tragic, but at least he had his time in the sun for awhile.
I don’t judge Michael. We don’t know whether he was guilty of what he was charged with, or whether unscrupulous people were just out for what they could get at his expense. Instead, I remember the super talented little boy who grew up in the limelight. I remember the really handsome young man who did such a fabulous job with “Thriller” during the time when he reigned as “King of Pop”. If only he could have stayed that Michael. Adorable with the jerry curls and looking perfectly fine being the black man he was born. We don’t even know for sure if he had the disease he claimed caused him to turn white, but I think most people would agree he looked a lot better black. And then the sad multiple plastic surgeries until he ended up with almost no nose and became a laughing stock to many. He looked so much better before the surgeries, and the plastic surgeon who did that to him should be jailed.
The world will never know what demons haunted Michael Jackson, but we do know he had them. In spite of his success and wealth, he never found what he wanted in life, and lived a tortured and seemingly unhappy life in exile in the last years. I hope his children were a comfort to him, and I hope they were treated right and raised properly and are not heirs to Michael’s pain. Whoever they end up with, I hope they are loved and cared for, and will grow to adulthood as normal, mentally healthy people who will remember their father with love.
We lost such a talent yesterday, but the real Michael Jackson was lost to the world years ago. I hope he has found peace, forgiveness, and love, at last.
Tags: death, losses, Michael JacksonPosted in Uncategorized No Comments »
ROLLING WITH THE PUNCHESJune 14th, 2009 by sjsew
Change always comes, whether we want it or not. No matter how content you are with life, the weather, your marriage, your job, whatever, just wait a short while and it will change. And the opposite is true as well. If something bad is happening, it too will change in awhile. I hope…..
My husband and I have a good marriage of 34 years duration. In that time, neither of us has cheated, we seldom quarrel, no one yells or hits, and we’ve had a nice simple life. About a week ago we were sitting around just chatting, when it occured to me how lucky we were. I mentioned this to my husband. How we had a roof over our heads, enough to eat, and his job was secure. We don’t have a lot, we arn’t rich, but we have enough. It was a good feeling. As much as I sympathized with all the people who have lost jobs, lost their homes and were struggling just to stay alive, I felt a great relief and thankfulness that we weren’t numbered among them. In less than a week, all that would change.
On Wednesday I received an email from my husband from work. He announced that, with no warning whatsoever, his entire department was being let go. His last day would be August 31st. Five years and 4 months ago, the very same thing happened to me. I was let go from my job of 18 years, four years before I would qualify for full retirement. We were not prepared, we had planned for me to work until I was 66, but we sat down and figured out what we had to do. We took money from my 401k to pay off all our bills. I got a decent amount of severance, and with that and unemployment insurance, we could make it until I turned 62 in 6 months and could draw social security. My husband put me on his medical insurance, and although we’ve had to draw money from my IRA account every year, and it’s much lower than it was five years ago, we’ve been able to make it.
So here we are again. He will be 63 in September, and he planned to work until he was at least 66. But we can’t afford for him to go on social security yet. I will have to go on medicare, and he will be uninsured. We will probably take COBRA for him for the lenght of time that the government is going to pay 65% of it. But with his social security and mine, plus my pension, (which I lost 24% of by having to take it early), we won’t net enough to even make our mortgage payments. So he simply can’t retire yet. Now we are talking about how long we can last without touching his 401k, and what we need to do to ready our house to be put on the market in the spring if he hasn’t found a position yet. We live in a small town in California, and we love it here. He is a native Californian and I have lived here 50 years. It’s home, and we had hoped we could always stay here. But now we are looking at housing in other states where we might be able to afford to live on our social security income. And of course, like everyone else, we lost most of the equity we had in our home in the recession. We were counting on that to be a major part of our retirement, but now most of it is gone, even though we’ve lived in this house for 11 years. It was recently appraised for $275,000 less than it was appraised for two year ago. That would have gotten us through quite a number of years if we were careful.
So what are we going to do? We really don’t know yet. He has some feelers out, some contacts made, and things could still work out. It’s not over till the fat lady sings, so we arn’t losing hope. I will start getting rid of tons of accumulation of stuff that I don’t need and wouldn’t want to drag along with me if we had to move. We’ll have several garage sales and take much to Goodwill. We’ll tighten our belts and cut out unnecessary expenditures. And we’ll try to do what everyone else is doing, take it one day at a time and hope for the best.
But what was just a short time ago an abstract concept, is now my new reality. And this is playing out all over the United States, and we are in a far better position than a lot of people. Now the thought of “what do they do?” has a lot more meaning. If nothing goes well, what will we do when we run out of money? We don’t know, but I now know what they mean about outliving your savings. I just didn’t know it would happen so soon.
Tags: job loss, life changes, social securityPosted in Uncategorized 2 Comments »
A TEMPEST IN A TEA POTJune 12th, 2009 by sjsew
Hopefully many of you will be aware of the women’s organization known as the “Red Hat Society”. This society sprang up 10 years ago as a result of two women dressing up in hats and going for tea and deciding that being a “woman of a certain age” should be celebrated, rather than denied. Soon other women began to notice this group out and about and having a good time, and the Red Hat Society was born. The rules are that there are no rules, other than having to be 50 or older to be a “Red Hat”. Younger women are invited to join, but they will be “pink hatters” until they reach the exalted age of 50, at which time there will be a “reduation” and she will be given her red hat. The society loved a poem by Jenny Joseph entitled “Warning” and it starts with “When I am an old woman, I shall wear purple, with a red hat which doesn’t go and doesn’t suit me”. Thus were the colors of the red hatters decided upon.
As time went on, word spread and the Society became nationwide and then worldwide. Thousands of women embraced the thought of celebrating their aging, and crowds of red hat wearing women began showing up at tea rooms and restaurants, at movies and plays and anywhere else that they could have a rowdy good time. Rhinestones were added to the ensembles, and glitz and glitter became the fashion of the day. And the ladies were loving it. It became a growth industry as vendors noticed the run on red hats and purple clothing. Conventions were organized and bus trips to casinos and anything else they could think of. Red Hatters were making their mark on society.
And from it’s humble beginnings, the original ladies turned it into a cottage industry. They set up a website where women could search out groups in their areas, and it grew and grew. And with that growth came expenses, so the Society began charging yearly dues to the chapters, presently $39, to help pay for all that the ladies were getting through the society. Most chapters assessed their members enough to pay the yearly dues, and were happy with it. Unfortunately, the society has become a victim of our times, like everyone else, and were in danger of having to disband “hatquarters” without an infusion of funds. They streamlined their operations, put out a call, and many ladies sent donations to help out. They then made the decision to charge every member $20 a year in order to be able to call themselves members of the “Red Hat Society”, and appear in public in red & purple.
And unfortunately, they came on like gang busters when they initially sent out notification to the “Queens” of all the chapters of this new rule. Rather than introducing the idea quietly and letting people know they needed this help, hated to do it, but couldn’t keep on providing services without more money. Instead, they demanded this money and made threats as to what would happen if you didn’t pay.
Now, I understand that money is tight and in order to continue its operation, the society had to think of some way to raise funds. I’m not even objecting to the $20 per year, in and of itself. It’s a small price to pay for belonging to such a fun organization. I do object to it being forced on everyone, regardless of circumstances. Obviously in this age range, 50 to still breathing, there are a lot of ladies living on social security, a lot of widows without much, and a lot of people for whom this amount of money has to be factored in to their budget. We have been threatened with legal action if we wear our colors without our membership cards, which we will get when we pay our $20.
We can’t help but wonder if they have hired special police to check out restaurants and other gathering places to discover if there are women there who are illegally wearing red and purple. And where did they get the money for the special police? What happens if some ladies in a chapter pay the $20 but others do not? Will they be hauled away by the red hat police if they can’t produce their card on demand? Will the other members who did pay be allowed to continue their lunch, as one or more of their elderly members is hauled in for violating the red hat laws? And hauled in where? Will there be special jails for these scoff law old ladies. Or will they just be subpoenaed to appear in court to answer charges of wearing red and purple in public without a card?
Could not this request for cash be on a little more voluntary basis, and the society not be using gestapo tactics to enforce this dictate?
I appreciate all that the society has done to bring this fun group into the public eye. They are allowed to make a profit and to pay their bills. But need they do it on the backs of elderly ladies just trying to add a little fun to their declining days? There has to be a better solution. A “softer” solution, and one that is implimented with a lot less force.
So people, if you’re out at a restaurant eating lunch, and you happen to see purple clad policemen leading little old ladies out with their hands cuffed, you will know you’re witnessing the red hat police enforcing their dictatorship with the full authority of the law. Hopefully it will never come to that, but in this day and age, I wouldn’t be suurprised if it did.
Tags: dues, membership, red hat society, tea pot, tempestPosted in Uncategorized 3 Comments »
TAKING THINGS FOR GRANTEDJune 9th, 2009 by sjsew
We never much notice how many things in life we take for granted. From the electricity that runs everything we use, to believing we’ll wake up tomorrow morning. We take it all for granted, and are totally out of our element when something we are used to having suddenly is no longer available. Think about all the ordinary things in your every day life that you take for granted, but would be distressed if you no longer had.
In this area of California, we are suffering from a sliced sharp cheese shortage. Yes, you read it right, there is no sliced sharp cheese. We eat a lot of grilled cheese sandwiches in our family, and we like a good brand of sliced sharp cheddar cheese. None of this processed cheese food stuff that only bears a slight resemblence to actual cheese. We want real cheese, and we want sharp!
A couple months ago I began noticing that there was no sharp sliced cheese available, only medium or mild. Our main brand around here, besides the store brand, is Tillamook. There was no store brand and no Tillamook, which leads me to believe perhaps Tillamook also makes the store brand. There was plenty of medium or mild cheddar to be had, but not a drop of sharp. For awhile, there was a place for it, but it was always empty. I even tried the “other” supermarket, only to find they, too, were out of sharp cheese. I relayed this news to my husband, who sniffed in disbelief, sure that I had simply overlooked it. In our last trip to the grocery store together, he took a side trip down the cheese aisle to confirm that there definitely was not any sharp, nor even a place for it anymore. Ever the doubting Thomas, and one who has a firm belief that Google knows everything, tonight he googled “Sharp Cheese Shortage”, and guess what? There IS a sharp cheese shortage. It seems Tillamook did not make enough, and they ran out some time ago. It also seems that it takes a good long while to make sharp cheese, and word has it that more will be available on July 1st. The writer of the blog regarding this terrible dilemma seems to feel the same way I do. He is ready to camp out in Safeway’s parking lot the night before, to assure he gets his sharp cheese before there is a run on it, and it again becomes unavailable. Who would have thought? I know that California faces an unprecidented fiscal nightmare, but to run out of sharp cheese. Well, it’s just unacceptable. I think we sharp cheese lovers should unite and petition Tillamook to be sure they make enough this time, and to never make this terrible error in judgement again. Who knows, a black market could be created by the disappearance of this product. Dubious looking men in trenchcoats could be waiting in alleys to tempt our children with their illicit cheese. There could be a mass exodus of Californians to Tillamook, Oregon, where they make this wonderous cheese. The entire economy could come crashing down as California cheese dollars are spent in Oregon. And this assumes that the Tillamook people kept aside a large supply of sharp cheese for their own people. If there is none in Oregon, then we are all doomed to a sharp cheese-less existance until July. I have to admit, as soon as you can’t have it, you want it all the more, and I want my sharp cheese sandwich! I guess I’ll just have to wait until July though, like everyone else. It just proves that you don’t place enough value on the little things in life until you have to do without them.
Tags: cheese, shortage, TillamookPosted in Uncategorized 3 Comments »
Where, oh where, has my energy gone?May 31st, 2009 by sjsew
One of the things I dislike the most intensely about growing older is the lack of energy I seem to experience. Now granted, I am 40 lbs overweight and don’t get any exercise to speak of, but apart from that, I still think I have a whole lot less energy than I used to. I wake up each morning filled with ideas about how I’m going to spend my day. Then I decide it won’t hurt if I stay in bed an extra half hour. After all, I’m retired, and I get to do whatever I want, right? Well, once I sit down at my computer to read my email, most of which is just junk and spam, I seem to be trapped there. Some mystic power holds me until I’ve read every trivial piece of news, gossip about famous people, even a few sports stats that is available. Then, if I can’t wring another thing out of the available information, I might spend another hour trolling eBay to see if I’m missing out on anything.
I sell on eBay from time to time, and I have a bunch of stuff right now that could be listed and be generating income. But no, all I seem to have the energy for is looking or buying, not listing and selling. From there, if all else fails, then I can play computer solitaire for an hour or so. That brings me up to lunch time. I can have my lunch and then do all the stuff I’d been planning. I’m not a morning person, after all, so I can’t be expected to accomplish much in the morning, can I? I can drag lunch out for about an hour, and maybe after that do some vacuuming, or make beds, or empty the dishwasher.
On Thursday I do the laundry, which validates my existance for another week. I do have to get groceries at some point, and there is a lawn to be mowed and weeds to be pulled. But there is always tomorrow, and they arn’t going anywhere after all. But what happened to all the quilts I’ve planned in my head, and all the scrapbooking I’m so far behind on? For some reason I can’t seem to get started. And here I am, writing about it now instead of doing it! It seems like I accomplished a whole lot more when I was working than I am now that I have all the time in the world. I guess it’s lack of structure, and the ability to put things off without really doing any harm. I work best on deadlines, and I no longer have them.
I looked forward to retirement my whole work career, and was certain I would make such good use of the time. There was so much I would do, volunteer work, and lots and lots of quilting and scrapbooking, not to mention cleaning out all the cupboards, drawers, closets and other containers of “stuff” in my house. Of course, I never counted on the constant siren call of the computer when I was making those plans. Checking your email 5 or 6 times a day is normal, isn’t it? And if it hypnotizes me to the point where all I want to do is take a nap (yes, I do take naps too), well that’s not my fault.
Do you suppose that my lack of energy has something to do with the time I spend on my computer? Naw, it’s old age, just simply old age. I don’t spend all THAT long on the computer…maybe 5 or 6 hours a day, ….maybe…..
Well, I have to close now, I need to check my email…..
Tags: senior energy olderPosted in Uncategorized No Comments »
Grown up at last?May 27th, 2009 by sjsew
No matter how old you are, have you ever done something you didn’t think you could do, and then think to yourself “Wow, what a big girl I am?” I can’t imagine I’m the only one. It may be as simple as driving somewhere you are unfamilar with, being scared to death you’ll get lost, and then finding your destination with no problem. For me, I know I have a big smile on my face, and I’m so proud of myself even when its only a tiny success.
I often underestimate myself, there are many things I’m afraid to tackle, and things that haven’t happened yet that I’m afraid of, like cancer and chemotherapy. I know people who have had cancer. Some have won and some have lost their battle. I don’t think I would be very good at being brave. The thought of the chemo scares me worse than the disease itself. I hope I am never tested on this subject.
But there are many small things in life that can be challenging. They may look simple to other people, but can present a huge hurdle to you. How many of these challenges we accept, and how many we meet and overcome, probably dictates partly our chances of taking on the really big ones and winning. We are tested in some way every day of our lives. I like to think that I am able to meet most of them headon, and I know that when I have accomplished something I didn’t think I could, the feeling of victory is priceless.
Last year my oldest daughter walked in the 3-day walk for Breast Cancer. A dear friend of hers had been diagnosed and fought breast cancer, and she wanted to do something meaningful to help. She didn’t make the entire 60 miles, but she did most of it, and she described the feeling like nothing else she’s ever experienced. She scrapbooked her adventure, and it will be a precious thing she will find meaning in over and over again.
I know how she felt. Years ago I was diagnosed with MS. I fought my way through a myriad of symptoms and thought I was doomed to be crippled forever. But I fought back. I wanted to dance at my daughter’s wedding. I had a year to work on it. When that year was up, I danced at her wedding. About a year later, I participated in an MS walkathon. I made it the whole 9 miles, and never thought I could ever do that. Not even when I was young and in perfect health could I have walked 9 miles. Amazing what you can do when you want something so bad. 27 years later, I am still walking and haven’t had a new exacerbation since the original one. Either I am the first person on earth to have cured themselves of MS, or maybe I never really had it. I’ll never know. I just know that I feel like I got to this place I’m at now by not giving up. I had a goal and I met it, and the results exceeded my wildest expectations.
One thing I have learned over the years is that you control an awful lot more of what happens to you than you think. In any situation, you can choose to make the best of it, or you can choose to give in. When I face a situation I’m sure is going to be a disaster, I try really hard to choose to be happy, to enjoy and to make the most of it that I can. I don’t always succeed in doing this, but it’s getting more and more often that I do. One thing I do know and try to practice, is that you can’t change other people. You can only change your own reaction to them. This is the key to a happy life, learning to just adjust your own reactions rather than being constantly defeated in trying to change the other person. Sometimes they will change by themselves in response to your reactions, but even if they don’t, you really CAN learn to not be annoyed when your husband always leaves the bottom drawer open, or forgets your anniversary. Look at the big picture and decide for yourself what is REALLY important, and like the saying goes, “don’t sweat the small stuff”. It’s hard to always put into practice, but the more you do it, the easier and more natural it becomes.
Do you suppose I’ve finally grown up?
Posted in Uncategorized 1 Comment »
My Friend SueMay 26th, 2009 by sjsew
I can’t ever think about my life, my daughter, my friends, without thinking about Sue. Sue and I weren’t the most likely of friends. She was my first husband’s second wife. I married him just after I turned 16, because I needed someone to love me. My home life was unhappy, I had never felt loved by my mother, and I thought I had finally found someone who did love me.
Unfortunately, he expressed his feelings with his fists. When I became pregnant a couple months after our marriage, he joined the Navy in order to support his new family. We were stationed in California, far from our home in New York state. Just after my third daughter was born, and my oldest diagnosed with terminal leukemia, he decided to leave and go back to our home town, leaving me in California. He also decided, as he put it ” I’m getting something out of this marriage”. The something was our middle daughter, then not quite two years old. He took her and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. I was then 20 years old. I had a newborn, a dying child, no job and no money. How I survived is another story for another time. I had all I could deal with right then, and within a month, my oldest died. Sometime later, when I surfaced from my grief, I found that my ex had told lies about me to all our family and friends, and painted me the worst kind of mother and wife. He left out the part about beating me and terrorizing me until I couldn’t think straight. Within a couple years, he found a woman who fell in love with him, married him and became mother to my child, as well as soon having her own first child. That was Sue. Right away she began to write to me, telling me about my child, forwarding little drawings and letters, and allowing me to have a small part in her life. She soon found out that her new husband was only practicing when he abused me, he developed it to a fine art with her. She was older than me, smarter than me, and had street smarts I never developed, and I couldn’t figure out how he had fooled her. But I felt better that someone who should have known better made the same mistake I did. She had three children by him before she was able to get away from him, and she took my child with her, for which I was very grateful. Through the years we had learned much about each other, and finally, the year of my daughters 16th birthday, we met face to face.
We didn’t become instant friends. Sue was leary of me, as I was of her. I spent the time answering my daughter’s questions about why I had “given her up”. I was trying to fill the hole I had left in her life, while trying to make her understand it was not my doing. A couple years later, I had remarried and so had Sue. We both lucked out this time, and we found that as two couples, we all got along wonderfully. They came to California to visit us, and we went to N.Y. to visit them. We took vacations together, and every important event in “our” daughters life, we shared together. When she married, both of our husbands walked her down the aisle, and we stood together, Sue & I, in the first pew and in the receiving line. Over the years I came to realize how fortunate I was to have this wonderful, kind hearted woman in my life. I wasn’t her best friend, but at the time, she was mine. I learned so much from her, and we shared so much, including three granddaughters.
When she was diagnosed with terminal bone cancer while still in her 50’s, I thought the bottom had dropped out of my world. Everyone who knew her was devestated. We went to visit her in October. We talked of trivial things, watched a little TV together. I listened while she talked on the phone, counseling a friend who had marital problems. No matter her own situation, she still had time to help her friends. I so wanted to make our last visit memorable, and about something more than the last Oprah show. She called me to her side, and we talked about how much our friendship had meant. I told her I loved her and would miss her so very much. We cried in each others arms. Later I learned she had done this for me. She asked our daugher, “is that what she wanted?” in reference to giving me my last wish to make our visit more meaningful. Thinking of comforting me, when I really wanted to offer her something and didn’t know how. I made more mistakes in the few months she had left. What do you tell someone who is dying? What do you say to them? I said all the wrong things, did all the wrong things. I sent cards I thought would be meaningful to her. They just depressed her, and I was asked to stop. I didn’t know what to do, and I failed greatly to give her anything important. Instead, she gave to me, just as she had done throughout her life.
She died the last day of February and although it has been many years now, I still miss her and I always will. Whatever relationship I have with my daughter, she gave to me. Whatever I know about being an unselfish and giving person, she taught me. I just wish I had known how to give something more to her. But maybe, because she was happiest when she was helping someone else, she got something out of helping me to deal with losing her. My life would have been far different if she had never been a part of it. We shared so much, so many laughs, so many good times and special moments. I only wish she could have hung around longer, we had so much yet to do together. But I guess God was short one angel, so he took Sue to stand beside him. I will never forget her and all the love she gave so freely to everyone she knew. I miss you so much, Sue.
Tags: friendPosted in Uncategorized 2 Comments »
In continuing to write my blog, I find myself faced with a moral dilemma of the highest proportions. When I started this blog, it was my intention to use it to speak about my feelings about many subjects. I wrote as thoughts came to me, and tried to sort things out better by putting them in writing. Some were serious, some not so much. The one thing that remained true is that they were MY thoughts; how I felt at the time I was writing the blog.
So if my thoughts, put on paper, make someone else feel bad, am I morally obligated to censor myself to make sure I don’t write anything that someone else could take offense to?
In our lives we constantly monitor our words to make sure something we say doesn’t hurt someone else. Who among us hasn’t been glad that people can’t read our minds? Who among us hasn’t had bad thoughts about someone, often even as we’re being nice to them to their faces?
I would never use my blog as a forum to denigrate someone else or make them feel bad on purpose. I don’t foster gossip and I don’t usually even name names. But if I am writing what I feel and believe in my heart regarding past events or situations, and that differs with what someone else feels and believes, do I need to change what I write so that it agrees with that person?
Don’t we all have different memories of the same situation? Police always have a hard time with witnesses because they will get such conflicting stories from each individual that it sounds like they were not even in the same place or saw the same thing.
I think when we remember past events, we remember them in the way that is most pleasing to us, perhaps even most flattering to us. We toss away memories of things we’ve done wrong, or paths we wish we hadn’t taken. And if someone else was there at the same time, and remembers those mistakes, do they have a moral obligation to change those memories to make them more flattering to you. What is the purpose of my blog? Is it to air my own feelings and thoughts, or should I just keep anything that might possibly, conceivably be hurtful to someone else to myself? Do I not have a right to express my own feelings, or do I lose that right if doing so might hurt someone? Would I end up writing about nothing but my cats, since they seldom take offense at anything I do?
I take the situation seriously. Over my lifetime I’ve tried to become more cognizant of the feelings of others. I am constantly on a quest to improve myself and to be more understanding and empathetic to others. And there are always those people who will take offense if you say the sky is blue. Are we not so uptight about being “politically correct” that we are afraid to say a prayer, mention God, raise our flag, or say “Merry Christmas” lest we offend someone? Where does it stop? When is it too much? Where do we draw the line?
I am just one person who is trying to express myself in my own way. If I have to be afraid that doing so will cause a family member, a friend, or maybe even a stranger to feel bad, what is the point? Should I confine myself to commenting about celebrities or cheese? Stay on safe subjects and keep it light? Again I ask, what is the point?
So I’m at a crossroads in my blogging. Do I continue to blog as I have in the past, which means a lot to me. Or do I just stop completely, since freedom of speech doesn’t seem to apply here. I can change the focus of my blogging and just stick to safe subjects (are there such things?), but I don’t know how interesting that would be. And it certainly wouldn’t be true to the reason I started in the first place.
I would appreciate any comments to help me here. What are my responsibilities? Am I not supposed to speak from my heart if doing so might be hurtful to someone else? Do I have a right to my own thoughts and feelings or not? Do I have a right to share them? What do you think? Help me here, I would be very grateful.
Tags: blog, family, hurt feelings, moral dilemma, writing from the heartPosted in Uncategorized No Comments »
Don’t Judge a Book……..July 1st, 2009 by sjsew
Never has that old adage been proven to me any clearer than last night, watching America’s Got Talent. After watching some incredible acts and some terrible acts, when it was close to the end of the show, a young man was announced as being next. He came on stage wearing jeans, with a baseball cap on backwards, and carrying a guitar. When asked what he did for a living, he said he was a “chicken catcher” for awhile. He was a “good ole’ boy” from the backwoods of Kentucky, and spoke with a heavy southern drawl. I don’t think anyone expected much of his act. The audience appeared poised to boo him off the stage.
And then he opened his mouth and started to sing. A hush fell over the crowd from the very first words, and the three judges all appeared to be thunder struck. He sang “If Tomorrow Never Comes”, and he sang with so much raw emotion and pain that you had to wonder if he wasn’t singing from personal experience. I’m sure there are many singers who could handle that song equally as well, but this young man sang from his heart and soul. By the end of the song, I had goose bumps on my arms, and tears in my eyes. I just listened to a small portion of it again on the “net”, and had the same reaction.
I wish that young man all the luck in the world on his career and his life, and I want to thank him for bringing home to me again, that what we look like, our appearance to others, is not necessarily who we are. I should know that by now, because as a senior citizen, I sometimes think I’m invisible to others, and I know that what I look like now is definitely not who I am. From now on, I’ll remember that when I make judgements about other people. And I sure hope we see a lot more of that young man.
Tags: America's Got Talent, judgement, singerPosted in Uncategorized No Comments »
WATCHING SCOTTY GROWJune 26th, 2009 by sjsew
Some years ago there was a song called “Watching Scotty Grow”, which was about a man who was counting his blessings in having a son he loved, and watching him grow. My children were already grown when this song came out, but even so, I related to it.
When my grandson was born, I related to it even more, and I was in a unique position to be able to watch him grow from close up. And like the song said, I don’t know what I did before he came along, because he brought with him all the magic that children have as a natural part of themselves, that had been missing from my life since my own children grew up.
My “Scotty” is now a young man of almost twenty, and still I watch him grow. I had forgotten how much there is to handle in finding your way in life. I suppose all of us face daily challenges for our entire lives, but somehow it seems like they are more dramatic in the young.
So much to learn, and so much of it involves being responsible. He has learned that if he doesn’t put forth effort in his school work in college, the same thing will happen that happened in high school. He got left behind by the friends who studied hard and went on to a four year college, while he had wasted high school and now has to attend a community college to catch up. He is so hard on himself when he realizes that his failure is his own fault. He has to learn to forgive himself, but to go on to do better and try harder.
When he was little and acted badly, we told him it was his evil twin coming out, and he blamed everything he got in trouble for on that evil twin, until a teacher in pre-school informed him he did NOT have an evil twin.
Now he knows who to blame, and he takes it hard. We have many talks to try to get him through his disappointment in himself. And he is lonely. A gaming nerd, it got him through high school without him getting into any trouble. But it also isolated him from any real social interaction. Now he wants friends and most especially, a girl friend. And so I’ve told him he has to put himself out there, he has to make overtures to people and take the first steps to find friends. He is a nice looking young man with a great personality and very well spoken and friendly. There is no reason for him not to have friends once he spends some time outside his own bedroom.
And he knows his success is in his own hands. He must buckle down in school, and he must make friends at work and at school. Oh yes, he has a steady part time job he has worked at for three years. He pays all his own school expenses, his car insurance and gas, and all other expenses with the exception of room and board. He has earned his way since he was 16. He is a responsible and hard working guy. This is a lesson he learns over and over again.
I see him grapple with all the issues of his blossoming adulthood, and I wish I could do it for him. I wish I could help him avoid the mistakes we all make. But I know making those mistakes is where growth takes place. You learn from your mistakes, hopefully, and the lessons last a lifetime. I have watched him wrestle with his demons, and when we talk, I can see him digesting everything he finds of value. And then he acts upon what he has learned. And he takes the steps he needs to take to go in the direction he wants to go. And every time he steps outside our doors and goes off into his own world, I worry and I pray no harm comes to him. I trust him implicitly, and I know he will never do anything to endanger himself or others. But I worry about traffic accidents and every other misfortune that could possibly befall him. And when he is home safe and sound in his bed, I relax and thank God for once again keeping him safe.
I know that sooner than I would like, he will be leaving us for the final time, to become his own man in his own world. And like a mama bird, I’m happy for him to be leaving the nest and for learning to fly. But unlike her, I will be so sad to see him going on into his own life and leaving mine. That time comes for everyone, and if we’ve all done our jobs right, he will go on to a happy life of his own making.
But in the meantime, I can still enjoy watching my own Scottie grow.
Tags: adulthood, growing up, growth, leaving homePosted in Uncategorized No Comments »
LOSSESJune 26th, 2009 by sjsew
At my age, you suddenly find yourself reading the obituaries on a regular basis. And every once in awhile, you find someone there you know, and it comes as a shock and a loss to you, and a reminder that your own time won’t be that far down the road.
Recently the world lost several famous figures, David Carradine, Ed McMahon, Farrah Faucet, and yesterday, Michael Jackson. Michael Jackson’s sudden death came as quite a shock to me. Unbelieveable at first. I find that his life was way too short and tragic, but at least he had his time in the sun for awhile.
I don’t judge Michael. We don’t know whether he was guilty of what he was charged with, or whether unscrupulous people were just out for what they could get at his expense. Instead, I remember the super talented little boy who grew up in the limelight. I remember the really handsome young man who did such a fabulous job with “Thriller” during the time when he reigned as “King of Pop”. If only he could have stayed that Michael. Adorable with the jerry curls and looking perfectly fine being the black man he was born. We don’t even know for sure if he had the disease he claimed caused him to turn white, but I think most people would agree he looked a lot better black. And then the sad multiple plastic surgeries until he ended up with almost no nose and became a laughing stock to many. He looked so much better before the surgeries, and the plastic surgeon who did that to him should be jailed.
The world will never know what demons haunted Michael Jackson, but we do know he had them. In spite of his success and wealth, he never found what he wanted in life, and lived a tortured and seemingly unhappy life in exile in the last years. I hope his children were a comfort to him, and I hope they were treated right and raised properly and are not heirs to Michael’s pain. Whoever they end up with, I hope they are loved and cared for, and will grow to adulthood as normal, mentally healthy people who will remember their father with love.
We lost such a talent yesterday, but the real Michael Jackson was lost to the world years ago. I hope he has found peace, forgiveness, and love, at last.
Tags: death, losses, Michael JacksonPosted in Uncategorized No Comments »
ROLLING WITH THE PUNCHESJune 14th, 2009 by sjsew
Change always comes, whether we want it or not. No matter how content you are with life, the weather, your marriage, your job, whatever, just wait a short while and it will change. And the opposite is true as well. If something bad is happening, it too will change in awhile. I hope…..
My husband and I have a good marriage of 34 years duration. In that time, neither of us has cheated, we seldom quarrel, no one yells or hits, and we’ve had a nice simple life. About a week ago we were sitting around just chatting, when it occured to me how lucky we were. I mentioned this to my husband. How we had a roof over our heads, enough to eat, and his job was secure. We don’t have a lot, we arn’t rich, but we have enough. It was a good feeling. As much as I sympathized with all the people who have lost jobs, lost their homes and were struggling just to stay alive, I felt a great relief and thankfulness that we weren’t numbered among them. In less than a week, all that would change.
On Wednesday I received an email from my husband from work. He announced that, with no warning whatsoever, his entire department was being let go. His last day would be August 31st. Five years and 4 months ago, the very same thing happened to me. I was let go from my job of 18 years, four years before I would qualify for full retirement. We were not prepared, we had planned for me to work until I was 66, but we sat down and figured out what we had to do. We took money from my 401k to pay off all our bills. I got a decent amount of severance, and with that and unemployment insurance, we could make it until I turned 62 in 6 months and could draw social security. My husband put me on his medical insurance, and although we’ve had to draw money from my IRA account every year, and it’s much lower than it was five years ago, we’ve been able to make it.
So here we are again. He will be 63 in September, and he planned to work until he was at least 66. But we can’t afford for him to go on social security yet. I will have to go on medicare, and he will be uninsured. We will probably take COBRA for him for the lenght of time that the government is going to pay 65% of it. But with his social security and mine, plus my pension, (which I lost 24% of by having to take it early), we won’t net enough to even make our mortgage payments. So he simply can’t retire yet. Now we are talking about how long we can last without touching his 401k, and what we need to do to ready our house to be put on the market in the spring if he hasn’t found a position yet. We live in a small town in California, and we love it here. He is a native Californian and I have lived here 50 years. It’s home, and we had hoped we could always stay here. But now we are looking at housing in other states where we might be able to afford to live on our social security income. And of course, like everyone else, we lost most of the equity we had in our home in the recession. We were counting on that to be a major part of our retirement, but now most of it is gone, even though we’ve lived in this house for 11 years. It was recently appraised for $275,000 less than it was appraised for two year ago. That would have gotten us through quite a number of years if we were careful.
So what are we going to do? We really don’t know yet. He has some feelers out, some contacts made, and things could still work out. It’s not over till the fat lady sings, so we arn’t losing hope. I will start getting rid of tons of accumulation of stuff that I don’t need and wouldn’t want to drag along with me if we had to move. We’ll have several garage sales and take much to Goodwill. We’ll tighten our belts and cut out unnecessary expenditures. And we’ll try to do what everyone else is doing, take it one day at a time and hope for the best.
But what was just a short time ago an abstract concept, is now my new reality. And this is playing out all over the United States, and we are in a far better position than a lot of people. Now the thought of “what do they do?” has a lot more meaning. If nothing goes well, what will we do when we run out of money? We don’t know, but I now know what they mean about outliving your savings. I just didn’t know it would happen so soon.
Tags: job loss, life changes, social securityPosted in Uncategorized 2 Comments »
A TEMPEST IN A TEA POTJune 12th, 2009 by sjsew
Hopefully many of you will be aware of the women’s organization known as the “Red Hat Society”. This society sprang up 10 years ago as a result of two women dressing up in hats and going for tea and deciding that being a “woman of a certain age” should be celebrated, rather than denied. Soon other women began to notice this group out and about and having a good time, and the Red Hat Society was born. The rules are that there are no rules, other than having to be 50 or older to be a “Red Hat”. Younger women are invited to join, but they will be “pink hatters” until they reach the exalted age of 50, at which time there will be a “reduation” and she will be given her red hat. The society loved a poem by Jenny Joseph entitled “Warning” and it starts with “When I am an old woman, I shall wear purple, with a red hat which doesn’t go and doesn’t suit me”. Thus were the colors of the red hatters decided upon.
As time went on, word spread and the Society became nationwide and then worldwide. Thousands of women embraced the thought of celebrating their aging, and crowds of red hat wearing women began showing up at tea rooms and restaurants, at movies and plays and anywhere else that they could have a rowdy good time. Rhinestones were added to the ensembles, and glitz and glitter became the fashion of the day. And the ladies were loving it. It became a growth industry as vendors noticed the run on red hats and purple clothing. Conventions were organized and bus trips to casinos and anything else they could think of. Red Hatters were making their mark on society.
And from it’s humble beginnings, the original ladies turned it into a cottage industry. They set up a website where women could search out groups in their areas, and it grew and grew. And with that growth came expenses, so the Society began charging yearly dues to the chapters, presently $39, to help pay for all that the ladies were getting through the society. Most chapters assessed their members enough to pay the yearly dues, and were happy with it. Unfortunately, the society has become a victim of our times, like everyone else, and were in danger of having to disband “hatquarters” without an infusion of funds. They streamlined their operations, put out a call, and many ladies sent donations to help out. They then made the decision to charge every member $20 a year in order to be able to call themselves members of the “Red Hat Society”, and appear in public in red & purple.
And unfortunately, they came on like gang busters when they initially sent out notification to the “Queens” of all the chapters of this new rule. Rather than introducing the idea quietly and letting people know they needed this help, hated to do it, but couldn’t keep on providing services without more money. Instead, they demanded this money and made threats as to what would happen if you didn’t pay.
Now, I understand that money is tight and in order to continue its operation, the society had to think of some way to raise funds. I’m not even objecting to the $20 per year, in and of itself. It’s a small price to pay for belonging to such a fun organization. I do object to it being forced on everyone, regardless of circumstances. Obviously in this age range, 50 to still breathing, there are a lot of ladies living on social security, a lot of widows without much, and a lot of people for whom this amount of money has to be factored in to their budget. We have been threatened with legal action if we wear our colors without our membership cards, which we will get when we pay our $20.
We can’t help but wonder if they have hired special police to check out restaurants and other gathering places to discover if there are women there who are illegally wearing red and purple. And where did they get the money for the special police? What happens if some ladies in a chapter pay the $20 but others do not? Will they be hauled away by the red hat police if they can’t produce their card on demand? Will the other members who did pay be allowed to continue their lunch, as one or more of their elderly members is hauled in for violating the red hat laws? And hauled in where? Will there be special jails for these scoff law old ladies. Or will they just be subpoenaed to appear in court to answer charges of wearing red and purple in public without a card?
Could not this request for cash be on a little more voluntary basis, and the society not be using gestapo tactics to enforce this dictate?
I appreciate all that the society has done to bring this fun group into the public eye. They are allowed to make a profit and to pay their bills. But need they do it on the backs of elderly ladies just trying to add a little fun to their declining days? There has to be a better solution. A “softer” solution, and one that is implimented with a lot less force.
So people, if you’re out at a restaurant eating lunch, and you happen to see purple clad policemen leading little old ladies out with their hands cuffed, you will know you’re witnessing the red hat police enforcing their dictatorship with the full authority of the law. Hopefully it will never come to that, but in this day and age, I wouldn’t be suurprised if it did.
Tags: dues, membership, red hat society, tea pot, tempestPosted in Uncategorized 3 Comments »
TAKING THINGS FOR GRANTEDJune 9th, 2009 by sjsew
We never much notice how many things in life we take for granted. From the electricity that runs everything we use, to believing we’ll wake up tomorrow morning. We take it all for granted, and are totally out of our element when something we are used to having suddenly is no longer available. Think about all the ordinary things in your every day life that you take for granted, but would be distressed if you no longer had.
In this area of California, we are suffering from a sliced sharp cheese shortage. Yes, you read it right, there is no sliced sharp cheese. We eat a lot of grilled cheese sandwiches in our family, and we like a good brand of sliced sharp cheddar cheese. None of this processed cheese food stuff that only bears a slight resemblence to actual cheese. We want real cheese, and we want sharp!
A couple months ago I began noticing that there was no sharp sliced cheese available, only medium or mild. Our main brand around here, besides the store brand, is Tillamook. There was no store brand and no Tillamook, which leads me to believe perhaps Tillamook also makes the store brand. There was plenty of medium or mild cheddar to be had, but not a drop of sharp. For awhile, there was a place for it, but it was always empty. I even tried the “other” supermarket, only to find they, too, were out of sharp cheese. I relayed this news to my husband, who sniffed in disbelief, sure that I had simply overlooked it. In our last trip to the grocery store together, he took a side trip down the cheese aisle to confirm that there definitely was not any sharp, nor even a place for it anymore. Ever the doubting Thomas, and one who has a firm belief that Google knows everything, tonight he googled “Sharp Cheese Shortage”, and guess what? There IS a sharp cheese shortage. It seems Tillamook did not make enough, and they ran out some time ago. It also seems that it takes a good long while to make sharp cheese, and word has it that more will be available on July 1st. The writer of the blog regarding this terrible dilemma seems to feel the same way I do. He is ready to camp out in Safeway’s parking lot the night before, to assure he gets his sharp cheese before there is a run on it, and it again becomes unavailable. Who would have thought? I know that California faces an unprecidented fiscal nightmare, but to run out of sharp cheese. Well, it’s just unacceptable. I think we sharp cheese lovers should unite and petition Tillamook to be sure they make enough this time, and to never make this terrible error in judgement again. Who knows, a black market could be created by the disappearance of this product. Dubious looking men in trenchcoats could be waiting in alleys to tempt our children with their illicit cheese. There could be a mass exodus of Californians to Tillamook, Oregon, where they make this wonderous cheese. The entire economy could come crashing down as California cheese dollars are spent in Oregon. And this assumes that the Tillamook people kept aside a large supply of sharp cheese for their own people. If there is none in Oregon, then we are all doomed to a sharp cheese-less existance until July. I have to admit, as soon as you can’t have it, you want it all the more, and I want my sharp cheese sandwich! I guess I’ll just have to wait until July though, like everyone else. It just proves that you don’t place enough value on the little things in life until you have to do without them.
Tags: cheese, shortage, TillamookPosted in Uncategorized 3 Comments »
Where, oh where, has my energy gone?May 31st, 2009 by sjsew
One of the things I dislike the most intensely about growing older is the lack of energy I seem to experience. Now granted, I am 40 lbs overweight and don’t get any exercise to speak of, but apart from that, I still think I have a whole lot less energy than I used to. I wake up each morning filled with ideas about how I’m going to spend my day. Then I decide it won’t hurt if I stay in bed an extra half hour. After all, I’m retired, and I get to do whatever I want, right? Well, once I sit down at my computer to read my email, most of which is just junk and spam, I seem to be trapped there. Some mystic power holds me until I’ve read every trivial piece of news, gossip about famous people, even a few sports stats that is available. Then, if I can’t wring another thing out of the available information, I might spend another hour trolling eBay to see if I’m missing out on anything.
I sell on eBay from time to time, and I have a bunch of stuff right now that could be listed and be generating income. But no, all I seem to have the energy for is looking or buying, not listing and selling. From there, if all else fails, then I can play computer solitaire for an hour or so. That brings me up to lunch time. I can have my lunch and then do all the stuff I’d been planning. I’m not a morning person, after all, so I can’t be expected to accomplish much in the morning, can I? I can drag lunch out for about an hour, and maybe after that do some vacuuming, or make beds, or empty the dishwasher.
On Thursday I do the laundry, which validates my existance for another week. I do have to get groceries at some point, and there is a lawn to be mowed and weeds to be pulled. But there is always tomorrow, and they arn’t going anywhere after all. But what happened to all the quilts I’ve planned in my head, and all the scrapbooking I’m so far behind on? For some reason I can’t seem to get started. And here I am, writing about it now instead of doing it! It seems like I accomplished a whole lot more when I was working than I am now that I have all the time in the world. I guess it’s lack of structure, and the ability to put things off without really doing any harm. I work best on deadlines, and I no longer have them.
I looked forward to retirement my whole work career, and was certain I would make such good use of the time. There was so much I would do, volunteer work, and lots and lots of quilting and scrapbooking, not to mention cleaning out all the cupboards, drawers, closets and other containers of “stuff” in my house. Of course, I never counted on the constant siren call of the computer when I was making those plans. Checking your email 5 or 6 times a day is normal, isn’t it? And if it hypnotizes me to the point where all I want to do is take a nap (yes, I do take naps too), well that’s not my fault.
Do you suppose that my lack of energy has something to do with the time I spend on my computer? Naw, it’s old age, just simply old age. I don’t spend all THAT long on the computer…maybe 5 or 6 hours a day, ….maybe…..
Well, I have to close now, I need to check my email…..
Tags: senior energy olderPosted in Uncategorized No Comments »
Grown up at last?May 27th, 2009 by sjsew
No matter how old you are, have you ever done something you didn’t think you could do, and then think to yourself “Wow, what a big girl I am?” I can’t imagine I’m the only one. It may be as simple as driving somewhere you are unfamilar with, being scared to death you’ll get lost, and then finding your destination with no problem. For me, I know I have a big smile on my face, and I’m so proud of myself even when its only a tiny success.
I often underestimate myself, there are many things I’m afraid to tackle, and things that haven’t happened yet that I’m afraid of, like cancer and chemotherapy. I know people who have had cancer. Some have won and some have lost their battle. I don’t think I would be very good at being brave. The thought of the chemo scares me worse than the disease itself. I hope I am never tested on this subject.
But there are many small things in life that can be challenging. They may look simple to other people, but can present a huge hurdle to you. How many of these challenges we accept, and how many we meet and overcome, probably dictates partly our chances of taking on the really big ones and winning. We are tested in some way every day of our lives. I like to think that I am able to meet most of them headon, and I know that when I have accomplished something I didn’t think I could, the feeling of victory is priceless.
Last year my oldest daughter walked in the 3-day walk for Breast Cancer. A dear friend of hers had been diagnosed and fought breast cancer, and she wanted to do something meaningful to help. She didn’t make the entire 60 miles, but she did most of it, and she described the feeling like nothing else she’s ever experienced. She scrapbooked her adventure, and it will be a precious thing she will find meaning in over and over again.
I know how she felt. Years ago I was diagnosed with MS. I fought my way through a myriad of symptoms and thought I was doomed to be crippled forever. But I fought back. I wanted to dance at my daughter’s wedding. I had a year to work on it. When that year was up, I danced at her wedding. About a year later, I participated in an MS walkathon. I made it the whole 9 miles, and never thought I could ever do that. Not even when I was young and in perfect health could I have walked 9 miles. Amazing what you can do when you want something so bad. 27 years later, I am still walking and haven’t had a new exacerbation since the original one. Either I am the first person on earth to have cured themselves of MS, or maybe I never really had it. I’ll never know. I just know that I feel like I got to this place I’m at now by not giving up. I had a goal and I met it, and the results exceeded my wildest expectations.
One thing I have learned over the years is that you control an awful lot more of what happens to you than you think. In any situation, you can choose to make the best of it, or you can choose to give in. When I face a situation I’m sure is going to be a disaster, I try really hard to choose to be happy, to enjoy and to make the most of it that I can. I don’t always succeed in doing this, but it’s getting more and more often that I do. One thing I do know and try to practice, is that you can’t change other people. You can only change your own reaction to them. This is the key to a happy life, learning to just adjust your own reactions rather than being constantly defeated in trying to change the other person. Sometimes they will change by themselves in response to your reactions, but even if they don’t, you really CAN learn to not be annoyed when your husband always leaves the bottom drawer open, or forgets your anniversary. Look at the big picture and decide for yourself what is REALLY important, and like the saying goes, “don’t sweat the small stuff”. It’s hard to always put into practice, but the more you do it, the easier and more natural it becomes.
Do you suppose I’ve finally grown up?
Posted in Uncategorized 1 Comment »
My Friend SueMay 26th, 2009 by sjsew
I can’t ever think about my life, my daughter, my friends, without thinking about Sue. Sue and I weren’t the most likely of friends. She was my first husband’s second wife. I married him just after I turned 16, because I needed someone to love me. My home life was unhappy, I had never felt loved by my mother, and I thought I had finally found someone who did love me.
Unfortunately, he expressed his feelings with his fists. When I became pregnant a couple months after our marriage, he joined the Navy in order to support his new family. We were stationed in California, far from our home in New York state. Just after my third daughter was born, and my oldest diagnosed with terminal leukemia, he decided to leave and go back to our home town, leaving me in California. He also decided, as he put it ” I’m getting something out of this marriage”. The something was our middle daughter, then not quite two years old. He took her and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. I was then 20 years old. I had a newborn, a dying child, no job and no money. How I survived is another story for another time. I had all I could deal with right then, and within a month, my oldest died. Sometime later, when I surfaced from my grief, I found that my ex had told lies about me to all our family and friends, and painted me the worst kind of mother and wife. He left out the part about beating me and terrorizing me until I couldn’t think straight. Within a couple years, he found a woman who fell in love with him, married him and became mother to my child, as well as soon having her own first child. That was Sue. Right away she began to write to me, telling me about my child, forwarding little drawings and letters, and allowing me to have a small part in her life. She soon found out that her new husband was only practicing when he abused me, he developed it to a fine art with her. She was older than me, smarter than me, and had street smarts I never developed, and I couldn’t figure out how he had fooled her. But I felt better that someone who should have known better made the same mistake I did. She had three children by him before she was able to get away from him, and she took my child with her, for which I was very grateful. Through the years we had learned much about each other, and finally, the year of my daughters 16th birthday, we met face to face.
We didn’t become instant friends. Sue was leary of me, as I was of her. I spent the time answering my daughter’s questions about why I had “given her up”. I was trying to fill the hole I had left in her life, while trying to make her understand it was not my doing. A couple years later, I had remarried and so had Sue. We both lucked out this time, and we found that as two couples, we all got along wonderfully. They came to California to visit us, and we went to N.Y. to visit them. We took vacations together, and every important event in “our” daughters life, we shared together. When she married, both of our husbands walked her down the aisle, and we stood together, Sue & I, in the first pew and in the receiving line. Over the years I came to realize how fortunate I was to have this wonderful, kind hearted woman in my life. I wasn’t her best friend, but at the time, she was mine. I learned so much from her, and we shared so much, including three granddaughters.
When she was diagnosed with terminal bone cancer while still in her 50’s, I thought the bottom had dropped out of my world. Everyone who knew her was devestated. We went to visit her in October. We talked of trivial things, watched a little TV together. I listened while she talked on the phone, counseling a friend who had marital problems. No matter her own situation, she still had time to help her friends. I so wanted to make our last visit memorable, and about something more than the last Oprah show. She called me to her side, and we talked about how much our friendship had meant. I told her I loved her and would miss her so very much. We cried in each others arms. Later I learned she had done this for me. She asked our daugher, “is that what she wanted?” in reference to giving me my last wish to make our visit more meaningful. Thinking of comforting me, when I really wanted to offer her something and didn’t know how. I made more mistakes in the few months she had left. What do you tell someone who is dying? What do you say to them? I said all the wrong things, did all the wrong things. I sent cards I thought would be meaningful to her. They just depressed her, and I was asked to stop. I didn’t know what to do, and I failed greatly to give her anything important. Instead, she gave to me, just as she had done throughout her life.
She died the last day of February and although it has been many years now, I still miss her and I always will. Whatever relationship I have with my daughter, she gave to me. Whatever I know about being an unselfish and giving person, she taught me. I just wish I had known how to give something more to her. But maybe, because she was happiest when she was helping someone else, she got something out of helping me to deal with losing her. My life would have been far different if she had never been a part of it. We shared so much, so many laughs, so many good times and special moments. I only wish she could have hung around longer, we had so much yet to do together. But I guess God was short one angel, so he took Sue to stand beside him. I will never forget her and all the love she gave so freely to everyone she knew. I miss you so much, Sue.
Tags: friendPosted in Uncategorized 2 Comments »
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
